Somewhere deep down inside me since I was a little girl I’ve had this urge, desire and deep compassion to help the wounded. Call it second nature, a natural instinct, a calling or an addiction. I would feel an emptiness inside me as if I was not whole if I passed someone by in need without doing something-anything about it.
I can not tell you how this started because I don’t know. What I do know is that I cannot stop thinking about or wanting to help people. It will keep me up at night if I have not solved a problem, nurtured, consoled, listened, hugged, gave advice, fed, cleaned or made someone smile. It’s not entirely a bad thing in others eyes, and its not. What drives me mad about this: I’m always struggling with these questions? “Do I want to make others happy because I’m not happy?” “Am I really this selfless because it make me feel good, doesn’t that make me selfish?” So, I keep seeking out ways to make people happy no matter what.
I’ve definitely come the the conclusion back then I have a problem putting myself before others, how and when to use the word “NO”, and how to truly just take care of or put myself first. I honestly believe in wanting to take care of others and making them happy. Through out my life during this process of putting others before me I have never really known who “I” am. This makes me so sad when I write the truth down that I want to cry but it’s the stone cold honest truth! I’ve walked through life in every type of relationship giving everyone what they wanted, needed or expected that I did not exist. My life seems as I write this I was living a movie, in a world I may have found a reason to subconsciously not exist all these years. Surrounding myself with people who let me do this to myself. As I got older I began to see the truth little by little. I knew I had to do something about it and I finally was ready to remove my rose tinted glasses.
After I realize what I was doing to myself I cut ties with relationships that I had to lost myself in. It was hard and it happened very slowly. Not only was I trying to make people happy who didn’t want to be but I was in relationships physically, emotionally, verbally and just friendships that allowed this to happen, didn’t even acknowledge it, didn’t care or wanted it to happen. The saying goes: “misery loves company”. Basically, I was so lost and far gone from who I was that I could not live my own life because I didn’t have one. I was just a shell hosting the version of who everyone else wanted me to be. My soul was gone and being sucked dry to the verge of my own death. Pleasing other people and wanting everyone else to be happy chased me and followed me state to state, country to country. It was in me and it was so strong in me that was the type of people I attracted. I knew yet again I was the problem. Admitting and knowing something about me is wrong was not enough. I had to do something.
Throughout my life I knew I had an emptiness, I know bad things happened to me, I knew I blocked out so many of those things, I know I did bad things but during all these troubled pasts were beautiful things that have happened to me, that I have done for others, that I have done for myself. Now that I am approaching my mid thirties my journey has brought me to a safe, healthy place and I’m in a blossoming/loving/at times complicated relationship. Though, Ive always wanted a family, I still question on having a family and if I’m ready or even if I should. Only because I’m still trying to figure out me, who I am. I lost all those years of my life and to this day spending the right amount of time on me and helping out others for the right reasons and making sure it’s the right people is a struggle every day. It’s hard not to satisfy my urge and hard not to lose myself because I do falter and lose my way still. Is it ever the right time and is it fare with such an imperfect world and me being imbalanced?
I’ve come along way, I have chosen to cut out a lot of people from my life that have left me with consequences I struggle with everyday because I’m a people pleaser. I am so much healthier inside my mind, body and spirit for it though. Yet, again I fight with the question “is that selfish?” Yes, it may be but I have to be OK with that-and it is. This journey was long, very long, thirty four years long. I’ve been through trials and tribulations of, suffering pain, love, loss, self infliction, happiness, joy, enlightenment, misery, friendship, loss of friendship, loneliness, rebirth, family and no family. All have been tried with meds, therapy on and off, hospital stints but true success was without medication and without therapy for me. All with the choice to seek out this self help journey alone to come and realize I was never alone. There are so many other women like me. These woman empowered me as myself did to start a support group for women with mood disorders and write this blog for all of us. I can tell you first had its so nice to inspire and be inspired that your not alone nor judged. I tell myself everyday “it’s ok to make yourself happy, to just be happy!”
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