Somewhere I Belong

Posted on April 27, 2015

” I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong”- Linkin Park

I’m trying to learn to enjoy quiet times alone with myself…
and because I always feel this consistent feeling of loneliness and emptiness,being by myself anywhere is a difficult task for me.To be honest being alone can be downright painfully uncomfortable at times.

So this morning after dropping my son off at school I decided to take a stroll to Central Park alone.Now normally I would have went back home and hid out from the world but I decided to try to enjoy the beautiful sunny spring weather and just walk.It was a short walk except it felt so long because the entire walk to the park I was consistently aware of how awkward I felt and  preoccupied with the thought that everyone was staring at me. I kept on thinking thoughts like: “Do I look lonely?” “Can they tell how awkward I feel” “I must look ridiculous”.So I avoided eye contact kept  just kept on walking.

When I got to the park I decided to sit on a bench and try to enjoy the view of the lake and admire the beautiful scenery. I took deep breathes and attempted to “lose myself” in the view. I smiled at the mothers I saw helping their toddlers walk to the nearby playground and listened to the different songs the various birds sang. I was trying to enjoy the serenity of the park but then those worried self conscience thoughts starting creeping into my head again: “Do I look sad sitting on the bench alone? “What are people thinking about me as they pass by” “Do I look lonely”. Followed by the social comparisons: “Those mothers look so happy and peaceful with their children” “I never look that happy and peaceful when I’m with my son because I’m always nervous and stressed out” or ” Those children seem so happy to be in the park” “My usually have to drag my child to the park”. I decided perhaps a quieter part of the park may be a better place to relax.

I moved from the bench near the lake to a garden area further in the park. I found a bench and did some writing and breathed deep breathes.The sun was directly overhead and shone brightly on the garden. There were gardeners nearby planting some seeds in fresh soil. Another women I saw practiced tai chi on a bench nearby,I watched her as she went through a series of exercises. She seemed so focused on the movements she didn’t even seem to notice me.She also looked very happy and peaceful, like she was in her own world.I overheard another women tell one of the gardeners that this is her “happy place”, she told them that her son likes it in the garden so much that he choice it as the location for his 16st birthday .I had to agree, being in the garden surrounded by all the flowers and nature was amazingly peaceful.

And it all made me think: It is get caught up in things like social comparisons and feeling self- conscience when you feel lonely,empty and unsure of yourself.The feeling can be so overwhelming it seems to follow you where you.Its so important to find at least one place you can feel happy and free to be yourself. That one place where you can feel
peace...

I may feel awkward and alone walking down the street still and hopefully one day I won’t feel that way. But I know now that there is one place I can go to and find some peace of mind, someplace I can feel comfortable with myself, someplace  where I can feel comfortable with being alone.Somewhere I belong.